Will Walt or Andrea Spend His $10,000 Inheritance?

Our First Session

Walt and Andrea came to me fighting about how they were going to spend the $10,000 Walt had just gotten after his uncle died. Walt wanted to buy a used 4 x 4 truck, a new shot gun and a couple of hunting dogs to breed.

Andrea wanted to use the money to get out of their single wide trailer. They'd both only been seventeen when they married and now at twenty-two they already had three children - 1, 3, and 5 years old - and they were horribly crammed for space in a two bedroom single-wide trailer. Andrea wanted to get out of the rented trailer and into a double wide that was for sale just a few doors down from them.

Question: Do you want to take a wild guess on what Walt should do with that $10K? Most people would agree a wife, 3 kids and a two-bedroom trailer beats a country boy's fantasy of a truck, a shotgun and 2 dogs. Am I right? Well, read on.

When I got Walt and Andrea together I learned Andrea had grown up extremely poor and she had hated it because it often brought her terrible embarrassment as a young girl. Worse, her Mom had never wanted Andrea. She had gotten pregnant quickly by a man who really didn't know her much less love her.

When she told him she was pregnant he told her he did not want to marry her, and she was left feeling horribly alone, afraid and ashamed. She had to tell her parents alone with no support or promise of any future with him. In the second trimester of the pregnancy Mom quit school to hide from the kids in high school who thought she was stupid to have slept with a high school drop-out a few years older than she.

Andrea's biological father did talk to her about whether she was going to keep his baby because his parents didn't want her to. The lack of support from all four of Andrea's grandparents probably drove her father and mother into marriage out of rebellion toward their parents, instead of love for one another.

Her father did "the right thing" very reluctantly about three months before Andrea was born, but after the wedding he was always out with his friends; playing cards, drinking, fishing and hunting, or watching TV. Dad worked only intermittently whenever someone he knew needed short-term labor. He resented every dollar he had to spend on what his wife wanted to make a tiny garage-apartment more comfortable. Whatever she couldn't beg from him he selfishly spent.

After she was born neither set of grandparents made any significant effort to make Andrea feel loved or appreciated. When she was very young Andrea believed she was the only reason her parents married, and the main reason they argued with each other and with their parents. Her meager needs seemed to be the main reason her parents and grandparents argued so much.

She hoped she'd one day marry someone who really loved her, but as a teen Andrea was in a hurry to grow up and leave home as fast as she could. In early high school, drinking, smoking pot and having sex were her way to escape the misery of life at home and constant failure at school.

Walt often passed Andrea in the halls at school, and he really had feelings for her. He wondered if she would be his girlfriend till they got out of school and if they could then get a place together. Andrea didn't talk like a girl interested in marriage, but she was pretty and she sometimes acted as if she thought Walt was cute.

The first time they were out together, Walt had showed up at a party and Andrea was already pretty wasted. She became very affectionate toward him as if she had hoped he'd appear at the party. That very night she wanted to have sex with Walt. His older brothers had sex with their girlfriends so Walt had no objection.

He did insist on using a condom to make sure they didn't get pregnant. He also knew she had been promiscuous while hanging out with some pretty bad company. Neither of them expected that first condom to break, but it did.

When Andrea told Walt she was pregnant, he was ready to marry her right away, but she wanted to wait. Her mom told her she'd had a few miscarriages after Andrea was born, and she encouraged Andrea that it might be a family trait. Andrea should not to rush into anything she wasn't sure of. Her mother offered no other encouragement.

About mid-pregnancy Andrea couldn't take the verbal abuse and conflict at home, between her mom and her step-father, and often directed at her. One night out with friends she got a little high and told Walt she'd marry him if he asked again. He got a second job and got her into the rental trailer right away even before they married. Andrea felt it was at least an improvement over life with her mom and step-father.

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Praying With Andrea First

Since Walt and Andrea both professed to be Christians, and since Andrea had done most of the complaining about Walt's desires to spend his inheritance on something that would give him plenty of reason to escape his responsibilities at home, I told Andrea that she was going to be the one I ministered to first.

To bring the old Andrea to the Cross, I first led her in forgiveness for the parents who:

•  conceived her illegitimately and carried her in shame,

•  argued about whether to keep her or to even tell their own parents,

•  felt very condemned by their parents and would be in-laws,

•  carried her in embarrassment and fear about the future,

•  married each other very reluctantly and with resignation instead of love,

•  blamed her for them having to be together at all,

•  raised her in a loveless marriage,

•  never found reasons or ways to be together as a couple,

•  taught her to fear becoming a miserable woman at home with a child but no husband,

•  taught her to expect that all husband's are selfish and ignore their wives and children,

•  taught her to despise her selfish father,

•  argued about the lack of money because Dad was wasting it,

•  dressed her so poorly she got frequently teased in school,

•  despised school so much themselves they cared little about her schooling and never helped her to do well and enjoy it,

•  let her grow up hating school and wishing she could die, and

•  never encouraged her to participate in any extra activities at which she might succeed or that she might enjoy.

 

We also forgave the grandparents who:

•  wouldn't forgive or encourage their daughter while pregnant,

•  tried to encourage their son and daughter to get an abortion,

•  expressed deep shame for their daughter keeping the baby,

•  wouldn't accept or reach out to the boy who got her pregnant,

•  would not reach out to Andrea's paternal grandparents,

•  would not bless the marriage that took place,

•  constantly told Andrea's mom that the marriage wouldn't last,

•  warned Andrea's mom about getting pregnant again by him,

•  and refused to help the young couple when he was irresponsible and finances were tight,

 

We also forgave:

•  the grandparents who couldn't really see or love Andrea for all the shame they felt over their daughter and the irresponsible son-in-law,

•  the kids at school that shunned Andrea from her earliest school days,

•  the kids who teased her because her mother dressed her so poorly,

•  the teachers that didn't invest personally in her,

•  the teachers who did not protect her from being bullied at school,

•  and the wild junior high and high school crowd that only let her in once she developed a figure and agreed to get high with them.

•  the kids that made drugs and sex a part of her life even before she entered high school.

We prayed that the old Andrea, who just forgave all those people, would also be crucified with Christ, and that the Andrea God always wanted her to become, would start to emerge from within her in the days ahead.

I prayed for both Andrea and Walt to receive forgiveness for having sex before being married and for therefore visiting illegitimacy on their first child, and a lot of confusion and disappointment on themselves, their parents and others.

We forgave generational sins, broke the curse of illegitimacy off her oldest child, and prayed that her three children would start to become more and more the children of who Walt and Andrea would prove to be in Christ, and less and less the children influenced by who they were in the past.

 

A Word of Wisdom and Encouragement

I know Walt probably expected me to tell him to grow up, and stop thinking only selfishly about how he could use the inheritance. Instead, before they left that first session, I simply asked Walt not to spend any of the $10,000 until they came back for a session in which I would focus entirely on him.

I also asked them both to agree to wait until there was evident change in both of them, and until they were both in total agreement about how to spend that money. I warned them against any manipulation of one another; bribery, blackmail, pouting, criticism, verbal abuse, and sexual manipulation, etc.

 

Our Second Session

Andrea was a totally different person when she arrived at my door. She wasn't there to complain about Walt or what it was like living in that two bedroom trailer. She wasn't even coming to watch and wait things out until I would tell Walt what any pastor might be inclined to tell a man who is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the Church, but who is instead withholding a blessing from her because of selfish desires.

Andrea told me in tears that she felt totally different inside, and that she finally felt like a daughter of God, a wife, a lover and a loving mother. She was ashamed of how she had treated Walt for six years, but she had a right kind of sorrow about it, and not the hardness of heart she'd inherited and learned from her parents before, and for which she had judged them.

I prayed for us all, and especially asked Andrea to keep her gracious posture patiently. Then I went looking for the other side of the story, that I always find in marriages.

 

Walt Was Always Left Out

First, I asked why Walt would even consider "passing up on getting a bigger place when the mortgage payments would actually be less than the rent they paid?"

Walt just said he didn't think that anything inside a house could make him happy, much less an unloving and critical wife and three kids that were too young to go do anything that he would like doing. He shared how left out he felt for most of the marriage; kept from time with the first child, his daughter, and scorned for getting his wife pregnant with each of two sons.

Walt had always wanted to do things with his brothers, and their wives and kids, but Andrea had been resistant, lacking love for him and full of envy for their nice houses, clothes, and things for their children. Walt's two older brothers wanted Walt to go hunting with them and their dogs, and camping with them and their children. He never got to go because of work and financial pressures.

Walt was the youngest of three brothers, four years younger than the next brother. The older two had learned how to hunt with their Grandfather, Dad and an Uncle. Walt couldn't wait to get old enough to go hunting with the men. Dad and Uncle also raised hunting dogs on the side and Walt loved being able to play with the puppies, but hated never being old enough to join the hunt.

Grandfather died just before Walt was old enough to go hunting. Dad and the Uncle soon stopped hunting and the dog breeding too, and Walt resented them for it. They should have known how important it was for him to join the two men, his brothers, and at least one cousin. But, they both got too busy with work to think about hunting by the time Walt was old enough. Dad would say, "someday we'll go," but someday never came.

Walt's two older brothers had more interest in girls and 4 x 4 trucks than they did in hunting when Walt hit his pre-teens. Walt couldn't wait to get old enough to have a truck and spend time with his brothers, and he hoped that they'd go hunting, and maybe even breed their dogs together like Dad and his Uncle did.

By the time Walt was old enough to drive, he didn't have the money for a truck, and his brothers were starting families, and giving their kids puppies to play with. When his brothers did get together it was always just the two of them, or both of their families. Walt enjoyed a couple of camping trips, but it was never just the guys, and never with Andrea.

Then Walt met Andrea. He really liked how she looked, but he felt caught between the smart kids who put her down and the troubled kids who just got her high and used her. He was on the sidelines again, waiting for his opportunity.

He couldn't remember what happened that caused her to give him attention at a party where he stopped with a friend, but he hoped it would continue. She was a tease when drinking, so when she teased him about being ignorant about sex, it made him feel left out, and his conscience took a back seat to his need for inclusion.

When Andrea got pregnant, Walt was scared and thrilled at the same time. He figured he'd be married like his brothers in no time. He'd get a second job. Andrea would get a part-time job in a couple of years, and they'd save some money so they could live nearer to his brothers and their families.

His kids wouldn't be so much younger that they'd always feel excluded from the fun things as he had growing up. His kids would have puppies to play with and all the cousins would go hunting together as each child got old enough, if he had anything to say about it.

After her daughter was born, Andrea just wanted to give her the love she never got herself. She jealously kept Walt from any bonding time with his daughter, and turned a cold shoulder to Walt physically and emotionally to not get pregnant again. More and more frequently he'd storm out the door after Andrea pushed away his every effort to show affection.

When Walt was gone off somewhere, working an extra odd job, or helping a friend, Andrea started to drink at home. On those occasions she'd begin to feel lonely again like she always did as a child. When she'd had enough to drink then she wanted Walt around.

He'd come home and she'd seek reassurance through sex that she was an adult living according to her own free will and enjoying it. Walt welcomed the attention but also felt used. Walt always had to work multiple jobs. Andrea continued to get drunk and briefly affectionate, and then she got pregnant with her second child.

Walt could barely afford a family of three and now it would be four. Andrea conceived a third child and second son the same way - drunk. Each time she sobered up and discovered she was pregnant she took it out on Walt emotionally and verbally. She'd reject him and shame him horribly, as a loser, a sorry provider, and a weak man.

Walt's hourly pay scale wasn't keeping pace with their increasing living expenses. He cut back on all of his unnecessary spending, but whatever he managed to save for necessities, Andrea spent to medicate her misery. Suddenly life was all work and no play (and no love) for Walt, and he sometimes wished he could quit all the responsibility the same way Andrea quit at anything that became too hard for her.

When the third child came - in just five years, Walt didn't just feel they were trapped in a small trailer. No, he felt he was being hindered from everything he ever jealously desired – all that his father and uncle had enjoyed with Grandpa, and all that his two older brothers had enjoyed with Dad, their uncle, and their cousins.

Walt wanted to be one of the three brothers, all sharing family holidays and vacations, each brother with a truck, at least one dog to breed, and hopefully some time to go hunting - just the three brothers, until their sons were old enough, and then not one of them would be left out.

Just when it seemed the money would not be there for a very long time, this $10,000 inheritance came. Lost dreams are a difficult thing to chase (in the flesh) when the money is not there, and they are a really hard thing to let go of when suddenly the money is there.

When the money came, Walt immediately put it in a separate account. Instead of jumping at the chance to look at the bigger trailer that Andrea wanted, Walt figured "Andrea's daughter" could sleep on the couch and the two boys could have the second bedroom. I could understand why Walt didn't want to invest his inheritance money in something Andrea wanted.

By this point in Walt's story, Andrea was actually ready to let him use the $10,000 to buy his truck, a dog, and a shotgun. It was sweet of her but it was not what Walt really needed, nor what God had planned for him.

 

Praying With Walt

Jesus would instead invite Walt to die to the empty way of life that had been handed down to him, especially by his grandfathers, father and older brothers. He needed to die to his persistent thoughts and efforts which were all aimed at gaining what he'd been deprived of as a boy, and which magnified his unhappiness as a husband and father. He needed to see that the old Walt would never “reap” the blessings God wanted Walt to have as His son.

I explained to Walt that when I counsel a Rock musician, salesman, or a hunter I can't promise exactly what will be resurrected on the other side of their cross. Perhaps it will result in them finally having something they have “always” wanted; perhaps it will be freedom from those desires that only disappointed them anyway and prevented openness to the things that God wanted to give them. But, I did tell him there was a greater chance of real peace, real love and real fulfillment on the other side of the Cross.

 

Walt agreed to pray with me to bring to the Cross:

•  the little boy who was born late enough that he always felt so left out by his grandfather, dad, uncle and brothers,

•  the little boy who often felt left behind with Mom,

•  the pre-teen who thought he was getting old enough to finally realize his dream of being one of the hunters – one of the men, when everything changed,

•  the teen who saw the family traditions of breeding and hunting disappear due to age, and due to girls and trucks,

•  the teen who thought he could love Andrea,

•  the teen who tried to avoid pregnancy but failed,

•  the teen who disappointed the parents who had so disappointed him,

•  the teen who visited even more disappointment on his daughter and two sons because of the condition of his marriage,

•  the young man who thought that getting Andrea pregnant so young would actually help him catch up in his pursuit of the brotherly fellowship and family closeness he'd always desired.

•  the young father who then felt shut out of the joys of marriage and parenting,

•  the young man who would try to regain something with his brothers if there was nothing there to enjoy with his wife,

•  the young man who did not want to sacrifice his dreams any longer, especially if it meant being trapped at home with a loveless woman,

•  the young man who had experienced in life that he was always many days late and many dollars short, while he still hung on to the dreams created in childhood.

 

We brought to the Cross all of the little boy that Walt had described, and the man that was just a grown version of that disappointed boy. We brought to the Cross the boy who desperately wanted to grow up and join the men of the family, and the young man who now thought he had the means to catch up to his brothers' families, even if Andrea would not go along.

 

Our Third Session – Praying for Both of Them Again

I had one more session with Walt and Andrea to deal with any realizations about themselves, and how much their past had controlled and prevented them from having the loving beginning and the peaceful and joyful marriage God would have desired for them.

Andrea saw more clearly how selfish and loveless she had been all her life because of her constant focus as a child on what was wrong with life. Walt saw more clearly how his past had taught him to see life as totally unfair and to sulk and pout at the slightest disappointments - even to despair of life itself when some element of his vision of a happy life eluded him again.

They both learned that the flesh will not easily surrender its long practiced fears, hurts and reactions, and so we need to crucify anything we see of our flesh daily so that the life Christ died and was resurrected to give us can be formed in us. The old man “reaps” from the unresolved issues and false solutions of the past, but “sowing” the old man in death with Christ releases us to experience the new man who emerges from within and who “reaps” the blessings of life in Christ.

 

God Released a Greater Blessing Than They Expected

Less than two months after we first met and prayed, Walt and Andrea testified at their new church how God had very recently healed them both of hurtful family experiences and a horrible start to their marriage five years earlier. They also shared that God had brought about some very evident change in each of their three children, about whom they had often been sorely divided. They asked the congregation to pray for them to have clear guidance about whether they were to use some money that had come their way to move up a little from their two bedroom home.

A couple in the church that day called Walt and Andrea to invite them for dinner at their home later that week. They asked Walt and Andrea to bring their three children. Walt and Andrea humbly accepted the invitation. That in itself was also a huge change since Andrea had almost never wanted to be with Walt around other people.

To make a long story short, after a pleasant dinner, the couple asked Walt and Andrea if they would consider moving out of their two bedroom trailer to house sit for them for the next three years while they were serving a three-year commitment to an overseas mission work. The couple said they were not expecting Walt and Andrea to pay any rent, but only to keep the grounds cared for and to cover the utilities.

Walt and Andrea both looked at each other trying to fight back the tears. Andrea explained how Walt had wanted a truck, a shotgun, and a dog, while she had wanted a bigger trailer. It had been a very difficult time for them until they got some counseling about the way they both saw life as disappointing.

When the man heard about Walt's wishes he told him there was an older pickup truck in the barn that needed some work, including new brakes and tires. Walt could have it if he could afford to fix it up. Walt and Andrea were overwhelmed.

Then their host also explained that they had two black labs, which they had temporarily kenneled, and that they didn't want to give away permanently. They asked if Walt and Andrea would consider taking care of the two dogs, and added that the dogs would be fine most of the time in a large kennel in the back yard that the man had built when he and his wife once bred hunting dogs.

A month later when Walt and Andrea moved in, they found a long package and a big box on the coffee table in the den, gift wrapped for them. The long package was a shotgun the man wanted to give Walt. Andrea's gift was a sewing machine the woman had purchased because Andrea had said she wanted to learn how to sew clothes for her children while they were still so young so she'd be very good at it when they were older.

It's really not scriptural for us to pray to leave our things or even our dreams at the foot of the Cross . Instead in prayer we should accept that we were, and we are daily, crucified with Christ on the Cross . The Father decides what things or people will be there for us on the resurrection side of our obedience to Him to die to our self.