Dear Teen, (and Dear Parents of teens)

I've written this to hand out to youth wherever I go, because I really want your future to be the best that it can be, rather than what it might be if you don't make some important choices soon. For the last seventeen years I've been a counselor to thousands of adults whose lives did not turn out even close to what they had dreamed of when they were your age.
Just like you now, they didn't realize that certain things had already shaped their adult life long before they left home, so they also didn't know how to overcome the problems that showed up unexpectedly once they got out on their own and tried to live what they had dreamed about.
So many dreams have ended up in miserable marriages or devastating divorces. So many intelligent kids have grown up and ended up struggling in meaningless jobs with constant financial problems.
At some point in most adult's lives, they realize that they have become more like the things they used to despise about their parents than they can almost bear to admit to themselves much less admit it to anyone else. Many of them have their eyes opened up to the truth and are heartbroken when they finally see their own problems and sins being repeated in their children's lives.

Speaking the Truth in Love

Based on what I have seen in their lives and in mine, the most loving thing I could do for you is to tell you some blunt truths about life, not to discourage you, but rather so that you can begin to face some things your parents may not have faced even to this day. I promise you this is the truth, and it's not always a pretty picture.

The Problem We All Face

First off, whether you like it or not, your life has already been significantly shaped by your parents and ancestors in more ways than you will ever recognize much less change. You've inherited behaviors, likes and dislikes, ways of looking at things, ideas about marriage, personality traits, etc., etc. You have also inherited some of your parent's sins even if you aren't walking in any of them right at this moment. Many parents don't know that, and many others just won't admit it. Many parents have not faced that what they have sowed in their lives will also be reaped in the lives of their children. Whatever sins or problems your parents and grandparents did not resolve in the right way, you will probably wrestle with in your life.
Teens often want to feel free to make their own choices, especially about whether or not to try certain "sins." But just when they think they are exercising that freedom to choose, more often than not they are merely walking in the footsteps of their parents, grandparents or great grandparents and they don't even know it. In fact, some of the sins that you may have already walked in and thought were just your own free choice, were actually just the predictable appearing of your ancestor's sins in your own life.

Most Parents Hide Their Sin and So the Beat Goes On

Most parents will never adequately warn their kids about some of what lies ahead in the future because they've never even gotten honest enough with themselves (or others) about their own past.
For many it would simply be too embarrassing to clue you in on what potential problems you have inherited from them. Some people think kids shouldn't be told the truth about their parent's sins. Other parents don't think you'd listen or understand anyway. The way I see it, if they have sowed it into you, and if it's going to blow up in your life one day, then you should be warned about it at least a couple of years before you leave home.

But I'm Sure I'm Different!

The second problem is that almost every teen has believed they were different and thought they could make their life turn out differently simply by sheer willpower. But sadly, it doesn't work out that way, at least not in the long run. What has been sowed into each one of us by our parents' life and example is largely what will grow in us as adults, especially in marriage, whether we like it or not.
Please hear me. Most of what you've inherited hasn't even begun to appear in your life yet. It won't spring to life until you're facing adult situations and temptations similar to what your parents faced as adults themselves. For some kids with really healthy and loving parents that's not bad news, but for many youth with messed up parents that is a seriously raw deal!
In fact, remember all the times you've said to yourself, "When I'm on my own I'll never be like dad (or mom)"... "I'll never marry someone who treats me that way," "I'll never focus so much on money," or "I'll never be so foolish with money,"... "I'll never let my life get so out of control," or "I'll never treat people the way they did," etc., etc. Well, the tragic truth is that most of those vows are actually almost a guarantee that you will become and do exactly those things you initially work the hardest to avoid.

Awesome Promise Or Serious Problem?

A very wise man once wrote, "Don't be deceived, because God is not fooled or tricked. Whatever a man plants is what will grow and be reaped in the future." He also wrote, "If you honor your father and mother life will go well with you and you will enjoy long life." What a great promise! (especially if you had parents that were easy to honor.)
But, if you didn't honor your parents, either because they really were terrible to each other or terrible to you, or just because you didn't want to, then life in the future will not go well for you in the same areas you dishonored them in. This same man also wrote that if you have judged your parents for how they have lived and acted, one day you will be judged in exactly the same way perhaps by a boss, your husband or wife, or your children. Major Bummer!
You can pretend you are the master of your destiny if you wish. But, your ancestors, and your family life as a child have already shaped a lot of your future, and you probably don't even know where the best investment or the worst damage has been done. And, the problem is even bigger than that.

The World and the Devil Don't Love You

I believe there really is a God. But, I also believe there really is a devil with a whole army of fallen angels, who have worked very hard to make each generation a little more sinful and troubled than the previous one. It was true when your parents were teens, but they only saw the truth of it when it was too late to stop the damage they had helped the enemy do by their own sin. Your generation won't be any exception unless they make some exceptional choices.

Think about it. The road to your future already has some major sinkholes in it. The devil is digging more as fast as he can. The mess he's created in other people's lives is going to affect your life, painfully at times. Does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that you need something (and someone) working in your favor in a huge way? Ignore the problem if you want to, but you'll kick your own butt later.

Maybe you're one of the more fortunate kids, and you've had it pretty good. Maybe there's never been any real serious problems or sins in your family or in your own life-at least not any that you know of. If that's really true then be thankful for what you have been given, and keep reading so that you can help someone else who hasn't been nearly so fortunate. At least pass a copy of this letter to someone you know is hurting or messed up.

If you know there's been problems and sins in your family and in your own life that are going to screw up your future, read on. There is a real remedy even if things have been so bad that you gave up hope a long time ago that anything could ever really change. The following stories about messed up lives are true and more common than you think. The names and some details have been changed to protect the innocent.

A Vietnam War Hero?

Tom was a decorated Vietnam veteran, and a very proud and tough man who finally sought help at 47. He came to absolutely devastated over the discovery that his 16-year-old daughter was giving boys sex in exchange for alcohol and drugs, and a place to crash.
Tom admitted he should have come four years earlier when his oldest son got VD from a prostitute, and gave the disease to his wife. His son went through an ugly divorce, and lost custody of his children, but Tom kept silent even when his wife asked him repeatedly "Why is this happening to our family."

But now it involved his "baby girl," and Tom knew there was something he had to do. Tom wept in my office over a sin that he had lied to his wife about for 27 years, even when she had asked if he had ever cheated on her. Tom had gone to Vietnam while his wife was pregnant with his son. As many other soldiers have done, he once hired two very young prostitutes for a night. He felt justified doing it because he was under the stress of war, with his life on the line every day, and besides it was helping the two girls earn a living. His wife would never be hurt, because he would simply never tell her what he'd done. Tom was wrong.
Now he had to face the ugly truth that his sin had been passed onto both of his two children. Tom admitted he had spent much of his childhood looking through stacks of his father's pornographic magazines. We forgave his father and prayed that Tom being cleansed of the sins he inherited and then walked in. He also forgave his father just in case he had also been with any prostitutes during the Second World War.
Then I helped Tom confess his sins to his wife, son, and daughter. When he did his son admitted he too had gotten into granddad's pornography while growing up. Tom's daughter then found the courage to tell about the neighbor who molested her after bribing her with candy and money. Tom's truthful confessions began the flow of healing the family needed.

The Unwanted Son

Brenda came to me because her 13-year-old son seemed hell bent on destroying her life. He had a violent hatred for her, and went to great lengths to humiliate her publicly at every opportunity. I asked if she had ever done anything hateful to him perhaps even as an infant, or if she had ever hated her own parents.
Brenda told me that she was conceived outside of marriage and not wanted by either of her parents, who married only because of the pregnancy. They had given her a loveless and miserable life. Brenda was only 17 when she also got pregnant outside of marriage. She didn't want to marry or to have a baby so young.
For the first five months of her pregnancy she tried everything to force her body to miscarry, though she was too afraid to have a clinical abortion. She had no idea that she was sowing a hateful and murderous spirit into the son she would eventually birth and desire to love. Brenda had to face that her son's hatred wouldn't leave until she forgave her parents their sins, and asked forgiveness herself for what she had sowed into her son. When Brenda did that her son's attitude toward her turned around completely within less than two months!

Its Only Pot!

Randy came to me asking me if I could help him understand why his son had been foolish enough to get kicked out of one of the best prep schools in the country for selling speed so that he could have the money to go to spring break with his friends.
As we talked Randy finally had to admit that he had smoked pot throughout his high school years. He had even sold two pounds once to earn money for his prom. He had also smoked an occasional joint with his wife while she was pregnant with his son. Randy had never confessed his pot use as "sin" until that very day in my office because he never thought it had done any harm. God and the devil knew different. Randy's son is now enrolled in one of the best Christian colleges in the country.

Kathy's Secret Shame

Cathy came to me after a Christian teacher told her that her 14 year old, Cindy, was getting pretty tight with some older and obviously homosexual girls. I became the first person Cathy ever told about the repeated sexual abuse she suffered from her Uncle Stan as a young teen. He also molested her baby brother Phil as well.
Cathy was so ashamed of what she'd done with Uncle Stan that she hated men and their lust for girls. After Cathy married she made up every kind of excuse for why she didn't like sex, but she never told her husband the truth.
Now she had to face the hard truth. Cathy's shame and bitterness had been sowed into Cindy. Now Cindy was only friendly with effeminate boys and lesbian looking girls. Not only was she born with Cathy's disgust toward men, but also when Cindy was 10 her Uncle Phil came to live with the family for a few years.
Cathy suspected Phil was gay, but she was always too afraid to ask him any questions because it would probably force her own secret out into the light. Phil had indeed chosen a gay lifestyle, because he, unlike Cathy, had enjoyed the sexual games with Uncle Stan. He never molested Cindy physically, but Phil influenced Cindy's sexual outlook powerfully. He often told her that her dislike for masculine boys was just normal, and that she was probably homosexual like him. He even told Cindy to do some sexual experimenting with a girlfriend to see how it felt. It felt good physically, as it had for Uncle Phil, so Cindy decided she must be a lesbian. Uncle Phil's counsel was very wrong.

The Remedy

These are pretty graphic stories, but that's real life for you! The bad news is that there has been so much sin hidden and not dealt with. The good news is that God's laws work to bring it to the surface so that He can forgive and cleanse us of it and give us a new life created by his Spirit in place of the one created by our parents and ancestors (and our own choices).
The remedy for what any of us has inherited, and been shaped by, and the only way to get rid of the old life that our parents have sowed into us, and that we have helped to mess up, is to ask God to forgive it, uproot it and to plant a new one within us.
What Jesus did on the Cross is available for anyone who sincerely believes that a loving God must have prepared a remedy for all the sin that has been sowed into our lives.
No matter what your story is, don't wait until you're an adult to deal with it. There's no sign over the Cross that says, "You must be 21 to be admitted."
Step one is to really accept with your whole heart that Jesus shed His Blood not only for your sins to be forgiven, but also to cleanse you of the sins of your parents and ancestors, all the way back to Adam & Eve.
Step two is to accept that Jesus also released His Spirit to "birth" a new life within every person who would ever put their faith in Him, and to fill them with His Spirit. This new life can be led by God's plans for your life and not by all the influences and sins of the past. Ask God to fill you with the Spirit of Christ and to give you this new life.
Step three, and the one that many longtime Christians even miss, is to accept that when Jesus died on the Cross He also took your old life with Him-to death. Jesus didn't just forgive your old life when he died on the Cross. He also died to kill your old life and to give you a new one.
But you have to give it to Him by faith, by really considering that the old you with all its fears or its lusts needs to stop controlling your life. Getting baptized by another believer says that you believe your old life was crucified and buried with Christ, but asking Jesus every day to help you crucify any part of your old life that rears its selfish, ugly and self-destructive head, will help you to walk in new life.
Step four is to make sure to ask God every day to fill you with His Spirit so that you are walking in the new life and not in the old one that is so familiar and easy to drift back into. If you keep walking in your old man, it becomes like a magnet drawing to you every wretched thing that sin and the devil already perpetrated against your parents and ancestors.
To strengthen your new spirit man, read the Word of God, especially the New Testament. Make every effort to hang with others who want the life Jesus gives instead of the life they've inherited and that the devil tempts them with.
Satan has worked hard for centuries to ruin lives. God's Spirit has also been working all that time to draw people to Jesus Christ and new life in His Spirit, but people of every generation just naturally suck for the devil's tempting bait (lies, secrets, lusts, etc.) and ignore God's promises. Don't be one of the suckers. You'll only have yourself to blame when your future lies in ruins.

A Parent's Greatest Gift!

One of the greatest gifts any parent could give a child would be for that parent to sit down with a wise counselor and to honestly confess and deal with some of the family sin that has been in their life and has already been passed to their children. I'm so sure of this that when parents ask me to counsel their children, I insist on seeing the parents first to deal with what they have sowed into their children. As a result, hundreds of parents have told me of dramatic changes that take place quickly in their children's lives no matter their ages, long before I ever get to meet their kids for the first time.
Now, I warn you. It would be very stupid to take what I have shared with you, and use it just to blame and accuse your parents even if they are guilty of some really wicked stuff. You'll only hurt yourself more. If you know your parents have sinned in some serious ways, share this letter with them and ask them if they would be willing to see someone like me, simply out of their love and concern for you and your future.
If you're sure they would never sit down and face how their lives might have affected yours, then ask them if it would be okay if you went and talked with someone to help you sort out some of the issues of your own life.
Do what you can now to protect your future. Get God on your side through faith in Jesus Christ. Face the issues of your life that need to change.
I've never heard anyone say they got Jesus into their life too soon, but I've seen hundreds of adults weep over the damage that was done because they waited so long to ask for His forgiveness and His help. Usually people wait until many others have been hurt before they wake up and get willing to face the truth.
If you've read this far you now know about some things that many others will never understand until they find out the hard way. Don't wait to let the Cross work in your life!

Your brother in Christ,
Jeff Carr